FYI.

You aren’t helping.

If anything you’re making things worse.

Sort YOUR life out and THEN come and give me some advice.

I’ll Level With You…

… This has been a bad day.

I was supposed to be going to a doctors appointment this morning, but because of my 2 hours of sleep I woke up feeling like my head was going to burst, and ended up just going back to sleep. This wasn’t too much of a problem, until I started thinking about the fact that I now couldn’t get a new appointment until Monday. My head started pounding like a jackhammer.

“How likely is it that my body will kill me off before then?”

I worry that my enormous fear of doctors and hospitals is going to be the end of me. One day something truly will be wrong with my body, and I’ll put it off for so long that eventually I’ll just slip into unconsciousness and never wake up.

“If only she had just gone to the doctor.” they’ll say.

I keep thinking that ignorance is bliss in this instance, but the more ignorant I appear to be to whatever is wrong with me, the more I worry… and the worst the symptoms get.

Anxiety is taking over my life. I don’t understand why I feel the way I feel, because emotionally, I’m the happiest I’ve been in years. Physically, though? I feel dreadful a good 80% of the time. 90 – 100% of the time on a bad day. A day like today. Nothing bad has happened. I woke up, chatted with my flatmate for a bit, had a shower, ate, baked some coffee cupcakes. That was it. Nothing went wrong. To be honest, I think it was merely just the fact that I knew I had to wait over the weekend before my appointment, and I started to panic.

Walking up the stairs I felt as if my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I turned to my flatmate and said “Feel this.” and I rested his index finger on my jugular as it pounded at about 110bpm. He stared at me, perplexed and slightly alarmed and then glanced up towards my eyes. “Chugg, your pupils. They’re massive. Go and check them out. Seriously. Go and look in the mirror. Shit.” so I did. I probably had about a mm of iris left. My pupils had started to take over my entire eye, and my heartbeat decided to kick it up a notch, preventing me from being able to breathe like a normal person. Instead I was breathing like a dog caught in the midst of a nightmare. It was short and sharp, with no rhythm to it whatsoever.

I burst into tears. I sat there and rocked back and forth like a crazy person, telling myself that I’d be okay if I just started to breathe.

I sat there crying to myself for 20 minutes.

I’m still shaking, 5 hours later.

Ignorance isn’t bliss. Bring on Monday afternoon.

The Meaning Of Life.

The trick to living, is to find somebody else who shares your heart. The trick to loving, is to hold someone who’ll laugh with you as your bodies fall apart. The trick to giving, is to put your little world into everything you do for them, and then some more. The trick to succeeding, is to understand that everyone needs somebody to adore.

The meaning of life is to laugh until your body aches.

The best thing to do is not regret the choices that you make.

It’s sad to believe that we only get one shot to hang around.

The meaning of life is to love until you’re six feet underground.

The trick to dancing, is to act like noone’s watching when you pelvic thrust the air. What a mess. The trick to singing, is to miss the notes and carry on like you really couldn’t care any less.

The meaning of life is to laugh until your body aches.

The best thing to do is not regret the choices that you make.

It’s sad to believe that we only get one shot to hang around.

The meaning of life is to love until you’re six feet underground.

This.

/sigh

For the first time in months… this is a good sigh.

A great one in fact.

<3

Ehhhhmmmmm…

I don’t know what this is.

I feel physically top notch (aside from a slightly achy neck, but that’s probably something to do with me using a dog as a pillow earlier) and I don’t feel sad… or angry… or anxious… I just don’t really feel ANYTHING. It’s very bizarre. The best way I can think to describe it is that it almost feels like something is missing, or that I’ve forgotten to do something important.

The good thing about this situation, however, is that I don’t feel BAD in any way. I’m taking this as a definite positive. Hurrah!

I reckon I’m finally starting to beat this, you know. The whole anxiety/depression thing appears to be falling by the wayside while I let my mind get taken over by music and baking instead.

Tomorrow I’m going to make cookies.

HUZZAH.

- L.

Apnea, Schmapnea.

So apparently there is a sleep disorder called “Sleep Apnea” which causes people to stop breathing in their sleep. It isn’t fatal, as the afflicted tend to wake themselves pretty sharpish once they have realised that they’re accidentally killing themselves.

I don’t think this is what I have, by any means, however… Last night I started coming down with some weird illness, and my throat swelled up, causing me to feel like somebody had hit me in the neck with some sort of meat tenderiser. My head started spinning and laying down thankfully seemed to help, but I still felt like warmed up dog poo.

When I finally started to drift off, I could feel myself forgetting to breathe. Now, I don’t know if any of you have ever experienced this… but it’s fucking terrifying. I imagined it was what it felt like to die… and it wasn’t very nice. Every time I closed my eyes for more than a minute it felt like my whole body was shutting down, including my ability to breathe without having to do it manually. It took a good 10/15 times of trying to get to sleep before I started breathing properly, and I was overcome with a genuine fear that I was going to fall asleep and never wake up.

Today I feel slightly better… but I still feel wrong in the head. I don’t know what it is, but my throat is still swollen and I look like I have a double chin.

Great.

2010.

On the advice of one of my closest and dearest (and awesomestestest) friends… I am writing a list. A list of things that I intend to do this year. Every time I’m bored off my trolley… I will attempt to do one of these things. By the end of 2010, I want to have crossed off every single thing on this list… and I’ll feel damn good doing it.

1 ) Visit my grandma more often. Once a month, if possible.

2 ) Get my tattoo. It’s tiny, and it’s subtle… and that’s why I will love it.

3 ) Have a penpal. Writing/receiving letters… I LOVE. I wish I did it more often.

4 ) Take dance classes again.

5 ) Re-record my album.

6 ) Sort out some album art for it and put it on iTunes.

7 ) Watch all of the Harry Potter movies in a row.

8 ) Perform at an open mic night.

9 ) Say ‘yes’ more often. I find myself saying ‘no’ to things far too often, and I dread to think what I’m missing out on because of it.

10 ) Find a sanctuary. Somewhere that I can go when I’m having an ‘episode.’

11 ) Learn to make a soufflé that doesn’t fall.

12 ) Perfect the 3 minute microwave mug cake… make one that is delicious, rather than just ‘alright for something that was made in a microwave.’

13 ) Learn Japanese.

14 ) Buy a bike.

15 ) Ride it. Get on the damn thing and just go somewhere. I don’t plan to take mental notes about where I am or where I’m going.

16 ) Fall in love. I would love for it to be with a person, but if not… I want to fall in love with an instrument, a recipe, a band, a way of thinking, a piece of clothing.

17 ) Connect with somebody. Find somebody who is totally and utterly 100% on my wavelength. Tell them.

18 ) Write a short story or a monologue.

19 ) Learn to play the harmonica.

20 ) Busk.

21 ) Update YouTube at least once a week.

22 ) Travel. Even if I just take a random trip to London.

23 ) Visit my friends in other cities more often.

24 ) Go to Alton Towers again.

25 ) Learn to drive. God knows, I should have done it years ago.

26 ) Buy a car.

27 ) See The Lion King on stage.

28 ) Go to more gigs. Even just small ones for unknown bands. I might love them.

29 ) Write a song a week.

30 ) Smile more.

I’m sure I’ll think of others… and will add them accordingly. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes…

- Lou. <3

Happy New Year!

In Qatar, it is officially a brand new year.

For us crazy, anxious people… a new year is a blessing. It’s our fresh start. Our time to make changes… and a little glimmer of hope for a far better year.

This year, I’m not just HOPING for a better year… I’m going to MAKE it a better year. I’m casting the things in my life that I don’t need aside, and embracing those things that make me happy.

This past decade has seen me living in four different countries, going to four different schools and colleges, starting and finishing 3 serious relationships, the loss of one of my favourite people in the whole world (rest in peace, you wonderful man) more plane journeys than I can count on all 20 digits, an ever changing hairdo, taking up smoking, quitting, taking it up, quitting, taking it up again, opening a big stadium gig for Bryan Adams, the ‘gain’ of 2 partial degrees, me writing two whole albums, making some awesome friends, losing some rubbish ones… and some genuinely cack occurrences that we won’t go into.

This next year, however, I will bake until I’m covered in burns, sing until my throat is sore, dance more than is considered sane, hand out more hugs, spend more time with my friends and family, write cheerier blogs, fall in love, update YouTube more often, smile… and generally not be such a fanny.

2010, I welcome you with open arms, you beautiful creature.

2009… try not to let the door hit you on the arse on the way out.

Guess What…

I don’t know if you heard… but it’s Christmas Day on Friday.

Today I lovingly wrote a Christmas list for my parents:

Dearest Mother and Father Christmas,

For Christmas this year I would like/will need the following items. As a side note, I would like to point out that your failure to comply will result in your gruesome and untimely deaths.

Not only this, but you will be hearing from my lawyer if I fail to receive all of the gifts listed below, and will be suing you for twice the total value of said material items.

You have 4 days in which to locate, purchase and wrap these item, after which point I will be forced to take legal action.

Thank you for your cooperation, and I wish you all the best.

Regards,

Laura Jane Barnes, Your Daughter, c.1987.

[insert signature here]

THE LIST:

A vacation home in Sicily.

A fuschia Suzuki Swift with Hello Kitty themed interior.

Robert Pattinson.

A pink KitchenAid mixer (with glass bowl)

An apartment in downtown Denver (with an en-suite bathroom if possible)

A solid gold Lambourghini Mercialago (for display purposes only)

A Tyrannosaurus Rex

A 60″ Plasma Screen TV.

A pink/azure blue Nintendo DSi

Games: Pokemon Platinum, Animal Crossing, Guitar Hero, Cooking Mama, GTA: Chinatown Wars, Band Hero.

A case of some description for my DS/games, because I’m frackin’ useless and always lose the game cartridges otherwise.

Some Christmas PJs/a new Christmas dressing gown.

Some new clothes?

A book about baking/decorating cakes/cupcakes.

Some random Hello Kitty junk.

THE END.

I now realise that this list looks like it was written by a 9 year old girl. I’m 22, honest.