So, I don’t really know how I feel at the moment.
I almost feel like I’m having an out of body experience, as if I’m just a spectator, hovering over my own body, watching everything that happens in my life without being directly involved with it. I have moments where I jump back into my head and everything hits me like a mallet, square between the eyes. It’s ridiculous.
I want to be happy with the things that are good about the life I’m currently leading, but I just can’t. Even the most wonderful parts… the parts that make me laugh aloud, are laced with sadness. I wear a wonderfully realistic mask. It looks exactly like me in fact. The mouth even moves flawlessly when I talk, but unfortunately that’s all it is. A mask. It’s hiding a particularly miserable expression under it’s calm and cool exterior. “Everything is alright.” I tell myself. “Life is going well.”
It almost feels like there are two of me. One half of me is confident, laid back, friendly, optimistic. The other half is drowning in misery, aggression, cynicism and self-hatred. Unfortunately for me, the latter is in charge at the moment, and I can’t get her to fuck off. She’s horrible, and certainly isn’t the sort of person I want to be associating with at this moment in time… or ever, for that matter. She is the one that makes me wrap myself up in my work for 12 hours straight, while I stare off into space without saying a word.
I wear headphones to lock myself up in my own little bubble. Sure, it helps me work… but the main reason I always have them on is it means that I don’t have to interact with anybody. It isn’t that I don’t want to interact with those around me, God knows, when my housemate goes away for a day or two I’m a lost cause. I never know what to do with myself without her around… but I just function better when I can ignore everything else that’s going on and pretend I’m somewhere else for a while.
I just don’t honestly know how much longer I can go on like this. If things don’t change soon then I’m just going to drop to the ground, curl up in the foetal position and die. Not literally, of course, but I think my soul will pretty much give up on me.
I’m thinking of going to see the University shrink. I don’t particularly WANT to, but maybe s/he can offer me some sort of advice. I’m now back in the place I was in when I was living in Bahrain, and speaking to the college psychiatrist was helpful back then, so maybe it will help this time. I didn’t even tell anybody that I had been because I was so ashamed of it. I went once or twice a week for about a month, and came out feeling better for it. I don’t even think I told my parents about it. I didn’t want them to look at me as if I had just given up on fighting through things myself. This time I don’t care. I need to sort this out before it gets to the stage where this hole is too deep for me to get out of.
I just feel incredibly lonely at the moment. I can’t explain how isolated I feel right now. I just feel as though everybody is looking at me differently now. I dread to think of how they see me, I really do. I’m sure there are probably things that people aren’t saying just because they think it will upset me if they do, but frankly I am beginning to get heartily sick of people making judgments about me, and putting in their two cents. I don’t want to hear your opinions on my life. I don’t want you to give me advice about the way I should do things. If I am trying to get my sewing done, but I am also talking briefly to somebody online, I don’t want you to advise me that I should turn my computer off. I don’t want you to tell me that you think I should start going to bed earlier. I don’t want you to ask me why I haven’t eaten lunch. I don’t want you to look at me like I’m some sort of lazy scumbag when I have slept in. I don’t want you to lecture me in any way, shape or form. Right now, all I want is to be able to do WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO DO, without having somebody twittering in my ear about what is ”best” for me. I know that I am a bit of a mess at the moment… and the things you’re saying are probably right. However, I don’t care. You come and stand in my shoes and tell me how easy it is to sleep at night.
The worst thing is that I know people are telling me these things because they care about me, and they don’t want to see me deteriorate… but unfortunately I don’t care about myself as much as they do. All I want is to do exactly what I want to do, even if it’s bad for me, because these little things are the only hope I have of experiencing any form of happiness at the moment.
This has turned into somewhat of a rant.
Goodnight.
